I am considering a re-entry into the Xanga world.  I feel a physical difference in my peace of mind from the absence of journaling.  The twisted ball of emotions I cannot control needs to go somewhere....
and since it served as a good outlet before....maybe it will again.  Lord knows it'll come out regardless, so better on paper than in the form of a fist slamming down on a table, combined with half a box of tear-stained tissues strewn across my bed.  I'm tired.

I have a pretty decent life.  I mean, I'm healthy, I never lack for anything I need - food, water, clothing, etc.  I have a relatively stable income, somewhere to live, coffee to consume.  My job is stressful but meaningful.  So I can never, nor do I ever desire to be, a 'poor me' kind of person.

Yet, I'm not that much happier than I was four months ago.  Changed the location, changed the job, put all my shit back together again....but everything remains the same.  No - that's not entirely true.  There's about 15 extra pounds on my hips. 

I'm not happy.  I miss Cailen and Judy.  I miss Denmark, and Jacob.  I miss Chloe.  I miss my niece.  I'm tired.  I don't want to go out on any more bad dates.  Or make dates that get canceled without a phone call.  I refuse to put effort into convincing any more men that I'm not that intimidating and actually, I'm pretty fragile every time you walk all over me.

I'm not happy.  And I often wonder if I ever will be.

So weird.  Its Sunday night, I had a pretty chill weekend.  Took a nap around 6pm and woke up a few hours later with an overwhelming sadness luring over me.  It hasn't gone away.  In fact, it keeps deepening, to the point where it physically hurts.  I can't pinpoint the source.  Fear?  Anxiety about tomorrow's interview?  Loneliness?  Nostalgia?  I don't know.  I've generally had a great couple of months.  It's been a long time since I cried.  Until today.  Today I feel like I'm drowning.